Non-offending Father's Day

When I was struggling through the aftermath of my daughter being abused by my own father, it dawned on me that most of the books or the support were for the victims themselves, or for their mothers. It made sense because men are more likely to be the abusers.

For non-offending fathers, there seemed to be little consideration—little support. A few very generic books were recommended by different therapists. Some were very helpful, but more for understanding my father's betrayal and actions than for what I was going through.

And there was almost nothing from a non-offending father's perspective. The guilt of not seeing what my own father was doing to my daughter—it was almost too much.

The guilt of knowing that my own daughter was afraid to tell me what my father was doing, because he was able to convince her I would never believe her—it was almost too much.

When my mother and siblings stood by his side—it was almost too much.

When my father hired one of the most expensive law firms in the area for his defense—it was almost too much.

When years dragged on in juvenile court, delay after delay—it was almost too much.

When the state's attorney reduced the nearly 35 physical acts to 3 charges—it was almost too much.

Watching my wife break down because she is also a survivor—it was almost too much.

Knowing my daughter is still afraid to sleep with the light off—it was almost too much.

Knowing my father only got 4 years—it was almost too much.

Fathers—we carry "too much" for as long as we can stand on our own two feet—then we crawl on our hands and knees.

Until the only thing we have left is knowing we did everything we could to get them through the worst of it.

I know what you carry, because I carry it too—especially on this day.